“...we
must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen.
This
is vulnerability. This is daring greatly.”
Brené
Brown
I place a star next to the paragraph
I just highlighted in my copy of Brené Brown’s book, Daring Greatly, where she writes about the vulnerability of
putting our writing out into the world with no assurance of acceptance or
appreciation. She says sharing something we’ve created is a vulnerable but
essential part of engaged and Wholehearted living. It’s the epitome of daring
greatly, especially for those who approach the world through shame. Shame
resilience is called for when we believe that our self-worth is dependent upon
getting a positive response.
As a memoirist writing as honestly
as possible about shameful aspects of myself and my life, I dare greatly. For
the past two years, I’ve been sharing my story with my writing partner. In
addition to a recent manuscript review and Master Class at Mad Anthony Writer's Workshop, I’ve been giving
chapters to four readers for critique. The ultimate dare will be publishing.
Nancy Pinard
www.nancypinard.com
The Master Class is facilitated by
Nancy Pinard, a Dayton author and former short story teacher at Sinclair
Community College and the University of Dayton Life Long Learning Institute.
Out of the huge number of mature learners who responded to her class at UDLLI,
a group of writers created a support group that continues to meet monthly. Those
who were fortunate to be in her class, consider her to be the “Wannabee’s
mother.”
For the Master Class at Mad Anthony,
four of us submit 15-page manuscripts to Nancy who distributes them to us for
critique. I am the only memoir writer. During class each writer remains silent as
our work is critiqued. In addition to her appraisal, Nancy gives helpful
technical suggestions and examples specific to our genre related to the craft
of writing. After hearing everyone’s comments, we are permitted to ask
questions or make comments.
My lip quivers as my turn to receive
feedback approaches. I’ve already received a manuscript review the day before
and have an inkling of what is coming. My character is about to be evaluated
along with my writing. My reviewers do not like my mothering, a primary shame
trigger for women.
While I am uncomfortable hearing
their impressions of me, it is valuable in three ways. First, Nancy noted that
I’m not beginning my story in the right place. Additional backstory (background
information to more fully understand my character) was needed. Now I have
written new chapters for the beginning and moved the chapter under review to
ninth place.
Second, despite my discomfort, I am
able for the first time to take in positive comments about my skill as a writer
and my compelling story. Their interest is piqued in knowing what led to my disliked
behavior and how the story turns out. For a writer, that is a good sign.
Third, as one who has struggled with
shame for most of my life, this experience gives me an opportunity to see how
far I’ve come in developing the shame resilience Brené Brown recommends. For a
week, I withdraw and enter a period of self-examination. Were they right about
me? Was I a terrible mother?
Wayne Tully Fantasy
Art through Zazzle.com
My shame demon attempts to batter me
with harsh judgments, stop me from exposing my shameful behavior, kill the joy
and healing writing my memoir is giving me. Toward the end of the week, I begin
sharing what I’m going through with trusted friends. In my experience, talking
about shame renders it impotent. By the beginning of the next week, my shame
attack has subsided. In the past, it would have taken months or years. I owe a
debt of gratitude to Nancy Pinard and my Master Class-mates for giving me an
opportunity to see the progress I’ve made. I owe a debt of gratitude to my
friends who hold me up when my shame demon tries to sink me.
The middle of July, I’ll be daring
greatly again at the Antioch Writer’s Workshop, submitting Chapter 2 for a
Seminar dealing with manuscripts as well as another one-on-one critique.
I find a needed bit of wisdom in a quote
by Adam Appleson, “Share whatever it is you’re ashamed
about. You may think you can hide your shame by not talking about it, but in
reality, it’s your shame that’s hiding you.”
My shame has been hiding me for far
too long. I’m not writing about the shameful aspects of my life to attract
attention. I’m writing to come out of hiding...to join the journey from “What
will people think?” to “I am enough”...to engage in Wholehearted living. Along
the way, I hope my story will inspire others to do the same. And that means being
vulnerable and daring greatly. And so it is.
