Memoirs That Inspire Me: Confessions of a Latter-Day Virgin

Writers are encouraged to read widely in the genre in which they are writing. As a result, I have been reading and listening to a lot of memoirs. It only recently occurred to me to share the bounty with you.

When someone has the courage to allow their life to be guided by their authentic spirit within, I am inspired. That is especially true when everything in their external life tells them they should be someone else.

Confessions of a Latter-Day Virgin

Nicole Hardy

Nicole Hardy’s memoir is funny and thoughtful as she allows us into her most intimate struggles with remaining faithful to her desire to be a writer and not the homemaker, wife, and mother that is supposed to lead to her eternal reward. As a single Mormon, she risks separation from all she holds dear to be true to herself and live a full life that includes expressing herself physically as well as emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. 

Inspired by a professor in her MFA program, “Write what you fear,” Nicole wrote about her struggles with celibacy and read to a writer’s group of mostly strangers. They received her with great enthusiasm and encouraged her to send her essay to Daniel Jones, the New York Times editor of the Modern Love column. He found her essay, “Single, Female, Mormon, Alone” intriguing and published it. It was chosen as “notable” in 2012’s Best American Essays.

Most touching for me was the way her parents struggled to understand and accept their free-thinking daughter’s choices while never withdrawing their love for her, finally realizing the gift she had given to others in their faith by being her authentic self. Without knowing it, Nicole gave voice to the struggles of many Mormons, opening dialogue between parents and children and the church-at-large, creating the possibility of finding a better way of nurturing the singles in their midst.

Memoirs that Inspire Me: A House in the Sky

When the radiance of the human spirit shines through in a transformative way, I am inspired. That is especially true when the transformation happens in the midst of a journey into darkness.

A House in the Sky

Amanda Lindhout & Sara Corbett

Amanda Lindhout's memoir is an amazing account of transcending one of the most horrific of life experiences. She developed compassion for the Islamic extremist who held her in captivity for fifteen harrowing months.

Upon her release, she emerged as a sought after speaker on topics of forgiveness, compassion, and women's rights. 

Inspired by a woman who tried to help her escape, she founded the Global Enrichment Foundation to provide scholarships to Somali women to attend university. When asked why she did this, she responded, "Because I had something very, very large and very painful to forgive, and by choosing to do that, I was able to put into place my vision, which was making Somalia a better place." She believes that if her captor's mothers had such an opportunity for education, they would have treated her differently.

http://globalenrichmentfoundation.ca/

Where do I begin?

More than a half, maybe as much as two-thirds of my life as a writer is rewriting.

I wouldn’t say I have a talent that’s special.

It strikes me that I have an unusual kind of stamina.

John Irving

For the past six weeks, since attending Antioch Writer’s Workshop (AWW), I’ve been busy rewriting. My first challenge was finding the beginning for my memoir, A Long Awakening to Grace.

I learned at the Mad Anthony writer’s workshop in April that I wasn’t beginning in the right place. I needed more backstory.

So, I wrote more backstory in preparation for AWW. In my one-to-one critique with Erin Flanagan, I learned that beginning there didn’t really tell the reader what my memoir is about. Clearly moved by my story, she made a suggestion for a place to begin.

Erin Flanagan teaches English language and literature at Wright State University and taught the afternoon short fiction seminar at AWW. She went above and beyond in trying to help me find a beginning for my memoir, spending extra time and offering kind and supportive feedback. She has written two books that are getting great reviews.

Like holographic slivers,

her stories contain a breadth and scope usually found in novels,

telling whole lifetimes in the span of after-dinner coffee.

Flanagan writes with bleak, searing humor about the survivors of collisions

both physical and emotional, and her acute vision is startling,

reminding readers that every loss is the beginning

of a long, new story of healing and replenishing.

So, when I got home from AWW, I began work immediately on a new beginning. Then I read it to my writing partner, Nita, and she groaned, “No, you don’t want to start there,” giving several good reasons why that didn’t work. Combining the feedback from Nancy Pinard at Mad Anthony and from Erin Flanagan at AWW, we were able to identify a starting place that works. Fortunately, Nita has heard my story in its many rewriting versions several times. We've been reading to each other and providing feedback for over two years. I started rewriting again.

I finally have my beginning and am confident now that it is one that works. 

I was so happy when I found John Irving’s quote and to know that I'm in good company. I’ve been aware I’m not a natural when it comes to writing memoir. All those accolades I got in graduate school for the depth of my thinking and the clarity of my writing only go so far when writing creative non-fiction. The craft is very different and I’m learning as I go.  It is clear that I have a compelling story. My challenge is to write it well. Thankfully, like Irving, I have stamina...I call it perseverance. My life is a testament to that.

Andre Dubus III Won My Heart

The second week in July, I attended the Antioch Writer’s Workshop. What an exhausting and exhilarating week. The benefits continue to accrue. Here’s my first installment.

Andre Dubus III gave the keynote address on Saturday evening and then taught the Master Class on Sunday morning. What a ball of energy he is. I would love to take writing classes from him.

Here are some of the gems he shared with us:

“It ain’t talent! It’s curiosity, wonder, mulling and musing about humans. Someone, somewhere, writes better than you. So what? Protect your creativity. Contend with jealousy in your head but don’t let it into your heart.”

Questions storytellers ask: “What’s it like to be in this thing that happened?”

“Listen to the little voice inside you. Work from the inside out. There’s a lot of mystery involved. Make your writing an intimate experience for your readers. Go inside and transfer feelings from one heart to another...empathy and truth.”

“Do that that makes you feel more like yourself than at any other time.”

“Self-consciousness is death to creativity.”

“I never wanted to be a writer. I just loved writing.”

When Andre relayed his process for writing the book he’s best known for, House of Sand and Fog, the whole room was mesmerized.

When he signed his book, Dirty Love, for me, I told him, “I loved your memoir, Townie, especially at the end, the way you wrote about your transformation.”

  

His eyes sparkled and he leaned toward me with a delighted grin. “You know, I knew I’d changed. But I didn’t know I’d transformed until I wrote it.”

I really get what he meant. As I delve more deeply into my own character and make increasingly deeper connections with my past, I find myself silently exclaiming, “Oh, that’s why that was so important to me,” or “That’s why I acted the way I did,” or “That makes so much sense now.”

After asking what I was writing and if my memoir had a name, he turned to another page and signed,

“For Linda,

Here’s to you &

A Long Awakening to Grace.

Love, Andre.”

That moment of connection with Andre was thrilling for me. His sharing so personably, being interested in me and what I’m doing, his willingness to go the extra mile by signing two pages, the second with a personal inscription won my heart. He's a real pro. Thank you, Andre, for getting AWW off to a great start for me.

Poetry at Antioch Writer’s Workshop

This week, July 12-18, I’m attending Antioch Writer’s Workshop in Yellow Springs, Ohio. I’m learning a lot.

Today I learned about Minimal Poems from Chris DeWeese, an Assistant Professor of Poetry at Wright State University. Minimal poems can have as few as one word. That surprised me.

Chris invited us to write a poem with ten words or less. Here’s mine:

                I am who I am who I will be.

                Who?

Honoring an Encourager

“Encouragement from any source is like a drop of rain upon a parched desert.

Thanks to all the many others who rained on me when I needed it,

and even when I foolishly thought I didn’t.”

Claire Gillian

Fifteen years ago, while listening to my daughter tell our story, Julie looked at me at least three times, stating, “You need to write a book about this.” Her words were like rain upon the parched desert of my life. Her encouragement stayed with me, giving me the confidence to begin and keep writing, to pitch to an agent, to explore paths to publication. Without her encouragement, I might not have experienced the healing balm of writing. I might never have heard a New York agent say, “Your story has a compelling narrative arch. Send me a proposal.”   

Julie is the nurse I first met on one of the most difficult days of my life. She was obviously a great nurse. She stayed two and a half hours beyond her twelve-hour shift out of concern for the outcome of that arduous day. She was too exhausted to continue her vigil, missing the passing of the height of the crisis and the awakening to grace. So, two days later, at the end of another twelve-hour shift, she visited us in another wing of the hospital to see how we were doing. She stayed an hour listening to my daughter relay the story.

A year ago, while writing A Long Awakening to Grace, I wandered around that floor of the hospital to refresh my memory. The women at the nurses’ station asked if they could help. They were very excited when I told them the reason for my visit. One of the nurses escorted me on a tour in search of the room we’d spent hours in so long ago. I gave them the names of the two nurses who had attended to us and told them about Julie encouraging me to write a book. Marlene had moved away, but they still had contact with Julie. She no longer works as a nurse, but they were sure she’d want to know that I’d followed her encouragement. I gave them my card and told them to have Julie call me.

She called just as I was heading out the door to a meeting. She indicated a desire to stay in touch, but was unavailable when I called back. A year went by with no contact.

Then, Sunday, June 22^nd, I read with interest an article in the newspaper about David Beck, an actor, director, producer, composer, and scriptwriter. What a talented guy. His film, For Francis, was being previewed at the Neon movie on Thursday, June 26^th. The film is a tribute to his junior high English teacher, one of his encouragers. The article said his teacher would be in attendance as would his mother, Julie Beck. I jumped for joy inside. Attending would provide an opportunity for me to reconnect with Julie.

Jacqui, my unofficially adopted daughter from Taiwan, is currently here for a visit. I was serving as her host mother during that time fifteen years ago. I invited her to come with me to the Neon. She enthusiastically agreed.

The theater was packed with David’s family and friends. Since I hadn’t seen her in fifteen years, I wasn’t sure I’d recognize Julie. Serendipitously, I sat next to someone who knew her well. Janet agreed to help me find her after the showing.

When she heard my name, Julie immediately recognized me and our connection. We hugged and chatted briefly about how proud she must be of her son. She seemed overjoyed to receive my new card and know about this blog. Before we parted, reaffirming our intention to stay in touch, I introduced her to Jacqui. I told her about our history and that Jacqui considers me to be her “American Mom.”

Her immediate response touched me deeply. “You have so much love to give.”

Julie & Linda at The Neon

As I drove back home, her remark stayed with me. It stays with me still. Fifteen years ago Julie witnessed me wrestling with how to extend “mother love” in a most challenging situation. She astutely recognized my struggle and extended reassurance to me and my daughter. Her support that day soothed my parched desert of guilt and shame.

“You have so much love to give” was like a period at the end of the shame attack I’d experienced following the Mad Anthony Writer’s Workshop. It is just the encouragement I need as I prepare to attend the Antioch Writer’s Workshop in mid July. I will remember her words as my writing and my character are critiqued in the memoir writing class.

I’ve had many encouragers in my life and I write about the significant ones in my memoir. Julie is one you will find there. I want to honor her here as well. Thank you, Julie, and the many others who have and continue to rain on me when I need it and even when I don’t think I do. You bring refreshing water to my parched desert restoring LIFE, and I am eternally grateful.

My Intention: Wholehearted Engagement

“...we must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen.

This is vulnerability. This is daring greatly.”

Brené Brown

I place a star next to the paragraph I just highlighted in my copy of Brené Brown’s book, Daring Greatly, where she writes about the vulnerability of putting our writing out into the world with no assurance of acceptance or appreciation. She says sharing something we’ve created is a vulnerable but essential part of engaged and Wholehearted living. It’s the epitome of daring greatly, especially for those who approach the world through shame. Shame resilience is called for when we believe that our self-worth is dependent upon getting a positive response.

As a memoirist writing as honestly as possible about shameful aspects of myself and my life, I dare greatly. For the past two years, I’ve been sharing my story with my writing partner. In addition to a recent manuscript review and Master Class at Mad Anthony Writer's Workshop, I’ve been giving chapters to four readers for critique. The ultimate dare will be publishing. 

Nancy Pinard

www.nancypinard.com

The Master Class is facilitated by Nancy Pinard, a Dayton author and former short story teacher at Sinclair Community College and the University of Dayton Life Long Learning Institute. Out of the huge number of mature learners who responded to her class at UDLLI, a group of writers created a support group that continues to meet monthly. Those who were fortunate to be in her class, consider her to be the “Wannabee’s mother.”

For the Master Class at Mad Anthony, four of us submit 15-page manuscripts to Nancy who distributes them to us for critique. I am the only memoir writer. During class each writer remains silent as our work is critiqued. In addition to her appraisal, Nancy gives helpful technical suggestions and examples specific to our genre related to the craft of writing. After hearing everyone’s comments, we are permitted to ask questions or make comments.

My lip quivers as my turn to receive feedback approaches. I’ve already received a manuscript review the day before and have an inkling of what is coming. My character is about to be evaluated along with my writing. My reviewers do not like my mothering, a primary shame trigger for women.

While I am uncomfortable hearing their impressions of me, it is valuable in three ways. First, Nancy noted that I’m not beginning my story in the right place. Additional backstory (background information to more fully understand my character) was needed. Now I have written new chapters for the beginning and moved the chapter under review to ninth place.

Second, despite my discomfort, I am able for the first time to take in positive comments about my skill as a writer and my compelling story. Their interest is piqued in knowing what led to my disliked behavior and how the story turns out. For a writer, that is a good sign.

Third, as one who has struggled with shame for most of my life, this experience gives me an opportunity to see how far I’ve come in developing the shame resilience Brené Brown recommends. For a week, I withdraw and enter a period of self-examination. Were they right about me? Was I a terrible mother?

Wayne Tully Fantasy Art through Zazzle.com

My shame demon attempts to batter me with harsh judgments, stop me from exposing my shameful behavior, kill the joy and healing writing my memoir is giving me. Toward the end of the week, I begin sharing what I’m going through with trusted friends. In my experience, talking about shame renders it impotent. By the beginning of the next week, my shame attack has subsided. In the past, it would have taken months or years. I owe a debt of gratitude to Nancy Pinard and my Master Class-mates for giving me an opportunity to see the progress I’ve made. I owe a debt of gratitude to my friends who hold me up when my shame demon tries to sink me.

The middle of July, I’ll be daring greatly again at the Antioch Writer’s Workshop, submitting Chapter 2 for a Seminar dealing with manuscripts as well as another one-on-one critique.

I find a needed bit of wisdom in a quote by Adam Appleson, “Share whatever it is you’re ashamed about. You may think you can hide your shame by not talking about it, but in reality, it’s your shame that’s hiding you.”

My shame has been hiding me for far too long. I’m not writing about the shameful aspects of my life to attract attention. I’m writing to come out of hiding...to join the journey from “What will people think?” to “I am enough”...to engage in Wholehearted living. Along the way, I hope my story will inspire others to do the same. And that means being vulnerable and daring greatly. And so it is.