You Are Accepted...How Sweet The Sound

Recently Elizabeth Gilbert, author of the celebrated memoir, Eat, Pray, Love, posted this Paul Tillich quote on Facebook. I added it to my page noting that the reason my memoir, A Long Awakening to Grace, has that title is because it took me so long to experience this truth.

Elizabeth Gilbert

Patricia Hollinger’s poem, Amazing Grace, appeared in True Words from Real Women, a Story Circle journal of short pieces of life-writing by SCN members. The topic for the September issue was grace. Patricia gave me permission to share her poem with you.

Amazing Grace

                      Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound...

                                Just hearing the tune makes many a heart pound.

                                That saved a wretch like me!

                                Is what follows and causes me to plea.

                                I was NOT a wretch, “Damnit,” I said,

                                From such words I often fled.

                                With religious angst and major depression,

                                These words reinforced a negative impression.

                                I changed the word wretch to a soul like me,

                                After hours and hours of therapy.

                                Yes, I was lost in the throes of religious zealots,

                                Their words often stung me like BB pellets.

                                Now I am found in the truth of my soul,

                                Seeking this became my ultimate goal.

                                My eyes had been blinded for many years,

                                As I heard sermons designed to elicit fears.

                                “Tis the grace of the presence of a listening ear,

                                As I poured out my hopes and fears,

                               That brought me home to my true self,

                               Never again in fear will I sit on a shelf.

Patricia Ropp Hollinger

Dichotomy: Intellect & Soul

I could relate to Patricia’s blindness, having been blinded to grace myself for some of the very same reasons. While I didn’t intellectually take in the dogma, the words in the liturgy and music about sin and unworthiness found their way into my psyche, making my already difficult life circumstances even more grueling.

Thankfully, the preaching in my progressive denomination, often influenced by Paul Tillich’s theology, leans more toward emphasizing the love of the Divine. My own preaching certainly did. Still, like Patricia, I needed to pour out hopes and fears to compassionate listening ears. Much of my struggle in A Long Awakening to Grace is related to the confusing dichotomy between my intellect and my soul.

Graced with a Miracle: Radical Acceptance

And then, not so very long ago, a miracle happened. Another layer of numb gave way, awakening me to grace at a deeper level than I ever imagined possible. My eyes were opened to my wretchedness and at the same time to my loveableness. From this new vantage point, I could embrace the mixture we all seem to be...I could appreciate as never before our human journey of coming into consciousness of the divinity at our center.

With this radical acceptance of my humanness and my divinity, the dis-ease engendered by fear of condemnation, the stigma of guilt, and the decree of unworthiness has been tempered considerably. Their shadows continue to creep into my psyche from time to time. But awareness frees me to soulfully sing, Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound.

...remember that to be in grace means to submit to the voice greater.

Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Memoirs That Inspire Me: Confessions of a Latter-Day Virgin

Writers are encouraged to read widely in the genre in which they are writing. As a result, I have been reading and listening to a lot of memoirs. It only recently occurred to me to share the bounty with you.

When someone has the courage to allow their life to be guided by their authentic spirit within, I am inspired. That is especially true when everything in their external life tells them they should be someone else.

Confessions of a Latter-Day Virgin

Nicole Hardy

Nicole Hardy’s memoir is funny and thoughtful as she allows us into her most intimate struggles with remaining faithful to her desire to be a writer and not the homemaker, wife, and mother that is supposed to lead to her eternal reward. As a single Mormon, she risks separation from all she holds dear to be true to herself and live a full life that includes expressing herself physically as well as emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. 

Inspired by a professor in her MFA program, “Write what you fear,” Nicole wrote about her struggles with celibacy and read to a writer’s group of mostly strangers. They received her with great enthusiasm and encouraged her to send her essay to Daniel Jones, the New York Times editor of the Modern Love column. He found her essay, “Single, Female, Mormon, Alone” intriguing and published it. It was chosen as “notable” in 2012’s Best American Essays.

Most touching for me was the way her parents struggled to understand and accept their free-thinking daughter’s choices while never withdrawing their love for her, finally realizing the gift she had given to others in their faith by being her authentic self. Without knowing it, Nicole gave voice to the struggles of many Mormons, opening dialogue between parents and children and the church-at-large, creating the possibility of finding a better way of nurturing the singles in their midst.

Memoirs that Inspire Me: A House in the Sky

When the radiance of the human spirit shines through in a transformative way, I am inspired. That is especially true when the transformation happens in the midst of a journey into darkness.

A House in the Sky

Amanda Lindhout & Sara Corbett

Amanda Lindhout's memoir is an amazing account of transcending one of the most horrific of life experiences. She developed compassion for the Islamic extremist who held her in captivity for fifteen harrowing months.

Upon her release, she emerged as a sought after speaker on topics of forgiveness, compassion, and women's rights. 

Inspired by a woman who tried to help her escape, she founded the Global Enrichment Foundation to provide scholarships to Somali women to attend university. When asked why she did this, she responded, "Because I had something very, very large and very painful to forgive, and by choosing to do that, I was able to put into place my vision, which was making Somalia a better place." She believes that if her captor's mothers had such an opportunity for education, they would have treated her differently.

http://globalenrichmentfoundation.ca/

Where do I begin?

More than a half, maybe as much as two-thirds of my life as a writer is rewriting.

I wouldn’t say I have a talent that’s special.

It strikes me that I have an unusual kind of stamina.

John Irving

For the past six weeks, since attending Antioch Writer’s Workshop (AWW), I’ve been busy rewriting. My first challenge was finding the beginning for my memoir, A Long Awakening to Grace.

I learned at the Mad Anthony writer’s workshop in April that I wasn’t beginning in the right place. I needed more backstory.

So, I wrote more backstory in preparation for AWW. In my one-to-one critique with Erin Flanagan, I learned that beginning there didn’t really tell the reader what my memoir is about. Clearly moved by my story, she made a suggestion for a place to begin.

Erin Flanagan teaches English language and literature at Wright State University and taught the afternoon short fiction seminar at AWW. She went above and beyond in trying to help me find a beginning for my memoir, spending extra time and offering kind and supportive feedback. She has written two books that are getting great reviews.

Like holographic slivers,

her stories contain a breadth and scope usually found in novels,

telling whole lifetimes in the span of after-dinner coffee.

Flanagan writes with bleak, searing humor about the survivors of collisions

both physical and emotional, and her acute vision is startling,

reminding readers that every loss is the beginning

of a long, new story of healing and replenishing.

So, when I got home from AWW, I began work immediately on a new beginning. Then I read it to my writing partner, Nita, and she groaned, “No, you don’t want to start there,” giving several good reasons why that didn’t work. Combining the feedback from Nancy Pinard at Mad Anthony and from Erin Flanagan at AWW, we were able to identify a starting place that works. Fortunately, Nita has heard my story in its many rewriting versions several times. We've been reading to each other and providing feedback for over two years. I started rewriting again.

I finally have my beginning and am confident now that it is one that works. 

I was so happy when I found John Irving’s quote and to know that I'm in good company. I’ve been aware I’m not a natural when it comes to writing memoir. All those accolades I got in graduate school for the depth of my thinking and the clarity of my writing only go so far when writing creative non-fiction. The craft is very different and I’m learning as I go.  It is clear that I have a compelling story. My challenge is to write it well. Thankfully, like Irving, I have stamina...I call it perseverance. My life is a testament to that.

Andre Dubus III Won My Heart

The second week in July, I attended the Antioch Writer’s Workshop. What an exhausting and exhilarating week. The benefits continue to accrue. Here’s my first installment.

Andre Dubus III gave the keynote address on Saturday evening and then taught the Master Class on Sunday morning. What a ball of energy he is. I would love to take writing classes from him.

Here are some of the gems he shared with us:

“It ain’t talent! It’s curiosity, wonder, mulling and musing about humans. Someone, somewhere, writes better than you. So what? Protect your creativity. Contend with jealousy in your head but don’t let it into your heart.”

Questions storytellers ask: “What’s it like to be in this thing that happened?”

“Listen to the little voice inside you. Work from the inside out. There’s a lot of mystery involved. Make your writing an intimate experience for your readers. Go inside and transfer feelings from one heart to another...empathy and truth.”

“Do that that makes you feel more like yourself than at any other time.”

“Self-consciousness is death to creativity.”

“I never wanted to be a writer. I just loved writing.”

When Andre relayed his process for writing the book he’s best known for, House of Sand and Fog, the whole room was mesmerized.

When he signed his book, Dirty Love, for me, I told him, “I loved your memoir, Townie, especially at the end, the way you wrote about your transformation.”

  

His eyes sparkled and he leaned toward me with a delighted grin. “You know, I knew I’d changed. But I didn’t know I’d transformed until I wrote it.”

I really get what he meant. As I delve more deeply into my own character and make increasingly deeper connections with my past, I find myself silently exclaiming, “Oh, that’s why that was so important to me,” or “That’s why I acted the way I did,” or “That makes so much sense now.”

After asking what I was writing and if my memoir had a name, he turned to another page and signed,

“For Linda,

Here’s to you &

A Long Awakening to Grace.

Love, Andre.”

That moment of connection with Andre was thrilling for me. His sharing so personably, being interested in me and what I’m doing, his willingness to go the extra mile by signing two pages, the second with a personal inscription won my heart. He's a real pro. Thank you, Andre, for getting AWW off to a great start for me.

Poetry at Antioch Writer’s Workshop

This week, July 12-18, I’m attending Antioch Writer’s Workshop in Yellow Springs, Ohio. I’m learning a lot.

Today I learned about Minimal Poems from Chris DeWeese, an Assistant Professor of Poetry at Wright State University. Minimal poems can have as few as one word. That surprised me.

Chris invited us to write a poem with ten words or less. Here’s mine:

                I am who I am who I will be.

                Who?

Honoring an Encourager

“Encouragement from any source is like a drop of rain upon a parched desert.

Thanks to all the many others who rained on me when I needed it,

and even when I foolishly thought I didn’t.”

Claire Gillian

Fifteen years ago, while listening to my daughter tell our story, Julie looked at me at least three times, stating, “You need to write a book about this.” Her words were like rain upon the parched desert of my life. Her encouragement stayed with me, giving me the confidence to begin and keep writing, to pitch to an agent, to explore paths to publication. Without her encouragement, I might not have experienced the healing balm of writing. I might never have heard a New York agent say, “Your story has a compelling narrative arch. Send me a proposal.”   

Julie is the nurse I first met on one of the most difficult days of my life. She was obviously a great nurse. She stayed two and a half hours beyond her twelve-hour shift out of concern for the outcome of that arduous day. She was too exhausted to continue her vigil, missing the passing of the height of the crisis and the awakening to grace. So, two days later, at the end of another twelve-hour shift, she visited us in another wing of the hospital to see how we were doing. She stayed an hour listening to my daughter relay the story.

A year ago, while writing A Long Awakening to Grace, I wandered around that floor of the hospital to refresh my memory. The women at the nurses’ station asked if they could help. They were very excited when I told them the reason for my visit. One of the nurses escorted me on a tour in search of the room we’d spent hours in so long ago. I gave them the names of the two nurses who had attended to us and told them about Julie encouraging me to write a book. Marlene had moved away, but they still had contact with Julie. She no longer works as a nurse, but they were sure she’d want to know that I’d followed her encouragement. I gave them my card and told them to have Julie call me.

She called just as I was heading out the door to a meeting. She indicated a desire to stay in touch, but was unavailable when I called back. A year went by with no contact.

Then, Sunday, June 22^nd, I read with interest an article in the newspaper about David Beck, an actor, director, producer, composer, and scriptwriter. What a talented guy. His film, For Francis, was being previewed at the Neon movie on Thursday, June 26^th. The film is a tribute to his junior high English teacher, one of his encouragers. The article said his teacher would be in attendance as would his mother, Julie Beck. I jumped for joy inside. Attending would provide an opportunity for me to reconnect with Julie.

Jacqui, my unofficially adopted daughter from Taiwan, is currently here for a visit. I was serving as her host mother during that time fifteen years ago. I invited her to come with me to the Neon. She enthusiastically agreed.

The theater was packed with David’s family and friends. Since I hadn’t seen her in fifteen years, I wasn’t sure I’d recognize Julie. Serendipitously, I sat next to someone who knew her well. Janet agreed to help me find her after the showing.

When she heard my name, Julie immediately recognized me and our connection. We hugged and chatted briefly about how proud she must be of her son. She seemed overjoyed to receive my new card and know about this blog. Before we parted, reaffirming our intention to stay in touch, I introduced her to Jacqui. I told her about our history and that Jacqui considers me to be her “American Mom.”

Her immediate response touched me deeply. “You have so much love to give.”

Julie & Linda at The Neon

As I drove back home, her remark stayed with me. It stays with me still. Fifteen years ago Julie witnessed me wrestling with how to extend “mother love” in a most challenging situation. She astutely recognized my struggle and extended reassurance to me and my daughter. Her support that day soothed my parched desert of guilt and shame.

“You have so much love to give” was like a period at the end of the shame attack I’d experienced following the Mad Anthony Writer’s Workshop. It is just the encouragement I need as I prepare to attend the Antioch Writer’s Workshop in mid July. I will remember her words as my writing and my character are critiqued in the memoir writing class.

I’ve had many encouragers in my life and I write about the significant ones in my memoir. Julie is one you will find there. I want to honor her here as well. Thank you, Julie, and the many others who have and continue to rain on me when I need it and even when I don’t think I do. You bring refreshing water to my parched desert restoring LIFE, and I am eternally grateful.

My Intention: Wholehearted Engagement

“...we must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen.

This is vulnerability. This is daring greatly.”

Brené Brown

I place a star next to the paragraph I just highlighted in my copy of Brené Brown’s book, Daring Greatly, where she writes about the vulnerability of putting our writing out into the world with no assurance of acceptance or appreciation. She says sharing something we’ve created is a vulnerable but essential part of engaged and Wholehearted living. It’s the epitome of daring greatly, especially for those who approach the world through shame. Shame resilience is called for when we believe that our self-worth is dependent upon getting a positive response.

As a memoirist writing as honestly as possible about shameful aspects of myself and my life, I dare greatly. For the past two years, I’ve been sharing my story with my writing partner. In addition to a recent manuscript review and Master Class at Mad Anthony Writer's Workshop, I’ve been giving chapters to four readers for critique. The ultimate dare will be publishing. 

Nancy Pinard

www.nancypinard.com

The Master Class is facilitated by Nancy Pinard, a Dayton author and former short story teacher at Sinclair Community College and the University of Dayton Life Long Learning Institute. Out of the huge number of mature learners who responded to her class at UDLLI, a group of writers created a support group that continues to meet monthly. Those who were fortunate to be in her class, consider her to be the “Wannabee’s mother.”

For the Master Class at Mad Anthony, four of us submit 15-page manuscripts to Nancy who distributes them to us for critique. I am the only memoir writer. During class each writer remains silent as our work is critiqued. In addition to her appraisal, Nancy gives helpful technical suggestions and examples specific to our genre related to the craft of writing. After hearing everyone’s comments, we are permitted to ask questions or make comments.

My lip quivers as my turn to receive feedback approaches. I’ve already received a manuscript review the day before and have an inkling of what is coming. My character is about to be evaluated along with my writing. My reviewers do not like my mothering, a primary shame trigger for women.

While I am uncomfortable hearing their impressions of me, it is valuable in three ways. First, Nancy noted that I’m not beginning my story in the right place. Additional backstory (background information to more fully understand my character) was needed. Now I have written new chapters for the beginning and moved the chapter under review to ninth place.

Second, despite my discomfort, I am able for the first time to take in positive comments about my skill as a writer and my compelling story. Their interest is piqued in knowing what led to my disliked behavior and how the story turns out. For a writer, that is a good sign.

Third, as one who has struggled with shame for most of my life, this experience gives me an opportunity to see how far I’ve come in developing the shame resilience Brené Brown recommends. For a week, I withdraw and enter a period of self-examination. Were they right about me? Was I a terrible mother?

Wayne Tully Fantasy Art through Zazzle.com

My shame demon attempts to batter me with harsh judgments, stop me from exposing my shameful behavior, kill the joy and healing writing my memoir is giving me. Toward the end of the week, I begin sharing what I’m going through with trusted friends. In my experience, talking about shame renders it impotent. By the beginning of the next week, my shame attack has subsided. In the past, it would have taken months or years. I owe a debt of gratitude to Nancy Pinard and my Master Class-mates for giving me an opportunity to see the progress I’ve made. I owe a debt of gratitude to my friends who hold me up when my shame demon tries to sink me.

The middle of July, I’ll be daring greatly again at the Antioch Writer’s Workshop, submitting Chapter 2 for a Seminar dealing with manuscripts as well as another one-on-one critique.

I find a needed bit of wisdom in a quote by Adam Appleson, “Share whatever it is you’re ashamed about. You may think you can hide your shame by not talking about it, but in reality, it’s your shame that’s hiding you.”

My shame has been hiding me for far too long. I’m not writing about the shameful aspects of my life to attract attention. I’m writing to come out of hiding...to join the journey from “What will people think?” to “I am enough”...to engage in Wholehearted living. Along the way, I hope my story will inspire others to do the same. And that means being vulnerable and daring greatly. And so it is.    

An Adventure in LIVING

As the Mad Anthony Writer’s Workshop (April 4-6) draws near, e-mails fly back and forth. Nita, my writing partner, and I help each other put finishing touches on our pitches.

 Nita with her Bluebells

In the writing business, a “pitch” is a one-to-three minute elevator speech to an agent communicating what is distinctive about our work in a pithy and compelling way. It is intended to stimulate the agent’s interest in representing our book to a publisher.

Rita Rosenkranz, an agent with her own agency in NYC, comes highly recommended to Nita by two other writing professionals. Nita recommends that I pitch to her. Checking her webpage, I find that she represents memoirists including those with a spiritual theme. You-tube videos of presentations she’s given at other writer’s conferences reveal an approachable woman.

Rita Rosenkranz

Nita and I spend months preparing, reading books and articles about how to pitch. I take a class. We read what the agents themselves have to say about it. We find no one consistent format. We try out our pitches on each other and others for feedback. I find the whole process nerve wracking and the prospect of giving a pitch intimidating, much harder than writing the memoir itself. I need an attitude adjustment.

I tell myself, “Not everyone pitches to a New York agent. It’s an adventure. I’ll be proud of myself for doing it no matter the outcome. My pitch isn’t perfect and that’s OK. I’ll learn from whatever happens and I won’t die.”

On Saturday morning Rita and Annie Bomke, an agent from San Diego, co-present two workshops. 

Annie Bomke

The first workshop outlines the benefits of working with an agent. The second workshop explains the process of seeking representation in writing by sending query letters and supporting documents to agents.

These workshops end at 11:05 am. My appointment with Rita is scheduled for 11:20 am. I will have a generous ten minutes with her. My pitch takes less than three minutes. I hope I’ll be able to answer any questions she may have. My hands are trembling. I have fifteen minutes to bolster my confidence. I remind myself that I will not die.

Rita puts me at ease immediately when I tell her who has recommended her to Nita and me. She likes to know how people hear about her.

I launch my pitch. She listens intently. When I finish her first words are “Thank you.” I remember that clearly. I am not sure what came next. If she had said something critical, I’d be able to recite it verbatim. However, her remarks are positive, something like this. “Thank you for a well-crafted pitch.” I can hardly believe what I am hearing.

She begins to explore my platform (marketing plan), something agents must consider with all the changes that have occurred in the publishing industry.

At some point she mentions, “Your story has a compelling narrative arc.” (structure of story: introduction rising action, climax, falling action, resolution)

Then she wants to know when the climax of my story occurred. I tell her 1999. She asks, “Why now?”

I’m so at ease with her by this time I tell her honestly, “I needed to gain maturity. I’ve been writing at it for years but not in a way I’d feel comfortable presenting to the public. As I’ve been writing in the past two or three years, I’ve come to see the strength I’ve gained through all the years of struggle.”

She says, “You’re persistent.”

She continues with a tone that says to me she means it, she’s not just being polite. “Send me a proposal but take your time. Work on developing your platform.”

I am ecstatic. My very first pitch ever in my whole life and a New York agent is showing genuine interest. This will go down in the annals as one of the highlights of my life.

I float down the stairs and head for the lunch room. "The Plot Sisters" are there and want to know how my pitch went. I bubble with excitement as I share my good news. 

The Plot Sisters

Christina matches my enthusiasm and says with a huge smile on her face, “We have a lot of good writers in Dayton and we support each other. We can be part of your platform.” 

I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. A supportive community has always been a lifeline for me.

Now, I have my work cut out for me. As interested as Rita might be, the writing has to be good for her to actually agree to represent me. And the Master Class on Sunday (more on that in a future post) shows I still have a lot to learn about writing memoir.  But as Rita pointed out, I’m persistent.

I didn't die and no matter the outcome, I'm very proud of myself for courageously facing a fear and taking a risk. Isn't that what LIVING is all about?

The Plot Sisters

Today I want to acknowledge five vibrant Dayton writers. They dub themselves “The Plot Sisters,” meet regularly to critique each other’s writing, and attend writing conferences together.

Traci Ison Schafer, Cindy Cremeans, Christina Consolino, Jen Messaros

Ruthann Kain (not pictured)

Fortuitously, I reconnected with four of them at the Mad Anthony Writer’s Conference the first weekend in April after first meeting them in Katrina Kittle’s Character Development class last summer. 

http://katrinakittle.blogspot.com/

My next blog post will reveal my greatest adventure at Mad Anthony. I’ll give you a teaser. Gathering my courage, I stretched beyond my comfort zone in the literary world. "The Plot Sisters" cheered me on, celebrated my courage, and offered continuing support. What could be better than that?

I’m grateful to count "The Plot Sisters" among my newest writing friends and supporters. No one reaches their goals alone. Aspiring authors all, we are giving each other mutual support.  I’d like to introduce them to you.

I follow Traci and Christina’s blogs. Check them out here and join in the cheering:

http://traciisonschafer.blogspot.com/

http://17gon.blogspot.com/

An Abundance of Riches

I’m overflowing with gratitude for the abundance enriching my life the past couple of weekends. 

What an adventure attending my first writer's conference, The Mad Anthony Writer's Conference, at Miami University Hamilton last weekend. There will be more to come on this topic in future posts.

http://writelikemad.com/

Our Cincinnati Writer’s Group met yesterday. Our sharing reached a new depth. We don't know if it was our topic or if our group is maturing. Some members of the group have been meeting since 1999. Jenny, Kate, and I joined in 2010. Our topic for this meeting was, "What Stops Me." They recommended that I post my essay here. I will one of these days. 

Back Row: Jenny, Kate, Lynne, Jean

Front Row: Linda, Gary, Isabelle

Darren McGarvey, founder of Dayton's Word’s Worth Writing Center, spoke at the Salon at Harmony Creek Church this morning. I'm excited. He's considering teaching a Memoir Writing Class this summer. No pressure, Darren.

http://www.wordsworthdayton.com

Sue Monk Kidd, one of my favorite author’s, appeared on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday today. She is best known for “The Secret Life of Bees.” Her memoirs, “When the Heart Waits” and “The Dance of the Dissident Daughter,” both had a huge impact on me. The program today was full of so much wisdom, I felt joy drinking it in. If you missed it, you should be able to find it on Oprah's website.

http://www.oprah.com/app/super-soul-sunday.html

http://suemonkkidd.com/

In my next post, I’ll share more about my adventure at Mad Anthony.

My Journey with Grace

Early years:

Sometimes grace is a ribbon of mountain air that gets in through the cracks.

Anne Lamott 

Grace is tied to our image of God and what it means to be human. When I was in my early teens, the parish worker in our church helped me develop a loving image of God because of the way she related to me. She treated me as a person of worth, listened to me as though I had something to contribute, and nurtured me. I was unaware that I was receivng a precious gift of Divine grace. Church was my oasis away from the biting criticism I received at home. My mother’s worries about “what’s wrong with Linda?” left me feeling flawed, but not sinful. I worked hard to prove Mom wrong. If I thought about sin at all, I relegated it to dastardly behavior, something a “good girl” like me, even though flawed, could not be guilty of.

My best friend from high school and I both became teachers. She shared with me shortly after we began our careers that she feared she was committing the sin of pride because she felt good about herself as a teacher. I gave her a puzzled look. She added, “You know, like we learned in Sunday school.”

I didn’t remember learning that. I couldn’t fathom that my friend was sinful for recognizing her gifts as a teacher, so I decided to do a little research. I learned that the passages of scripture speaking to the sin of pride refer to arrogance, conceit, and haughtiness, not something characterizing my friend. I told her what I’d found, stating, “It’s okay for you to feel good about yourself as a teacher.” I had just taken my first foray into serving as a spiritual guide.

Disintegration:

I wish grace and healing were more abracadabra kind of things.

Also, that delicate silver bells would ring to announce grace’s arrival.

But no, it’s clog and slog and scotch, on the floor, in the silence, in the dark.

Anne Lamott

During my dark night of the soul, my experience was of being abandoned by a judgmental God. I wondered if God saw something wrong in me as my mother had. I wondered if I’d done something offensive and my difficult life was punishment for my sin. During a discussion about turning one’s will and life over to the care of God, I found myself in tears. The words that came from my mouth surprised me. “I don’t think God cares about me.” It made no sense to me at an intellectual level, but at the emotional level, I suffered. Today I realize that childhood experiences imprinted deeply in my psyche produced this state of mind, overriding my intellect. My extended dark night played havoc with my thinking.

Well-meaning people would say, “God only gives you as much as you can handle.” I thought that image of God odd...giving us pain as a test of our strength. Imagining a God inflicting pain on purpose only made my suffering worse.

Describing grace as an undeserved gift from God also did not help. Wrestling to understand the absence of grace in my life, blind to any extension of God’s grace, deaf to any mention of grace, all I heard in church were messages of sin, unworthiness, judgment, and the need to repent. Even though my progressive denomination did not accentuate the need for redemption as some churches do, any hint stabbed at my heart.

Integration: It’s a Process

Sometimes grace works like water wings when you feel you are sinking.

Anne Lamott

In my theological education, I learned about an ancient creation-centered wisdom tradition that preceded the church’s emphasis on our sinful need for redemption. This tradition, all but lost in Christianity today, emphasizes our original blessing as co-creators with a Creator God who calls us to a LIFE of loving action fostering dignity for all. For me, that is inspiring.  How favorably we must be regarded in the eyes of our Creator to be given such a high calling and awesome responsibility.

Matthew Fox, a Dominican scholar, is a prolific writer about creation-centered spirituality. He recognizes that it may have been necessary for humanity to concentrate during a certain period on our fallenness, but he believes the time has come to let that preoccupation give way to attention to Divine grace. I agree with him and think the preoccupation of which he speaks, along with the critical imprint from my childhood, contributed to my awakening to grace being so long.

  

Being introduced to the richness of the original languages in the Bible, a richness not conveyed in English, had an impact. Enlightened by scholars who study these ancient languages, I began to hear sin differently. The Hebrew word for sin is chattah and the Greek is hamartia. Both are archery terms for missing a target. Sin means missing the mark. I love that and find it empowering. If the mark is missed, there is always another opportunity to hit it.

The Greek word for conversion is metanoia, literally meaning “going another way” or “changing your mind.” The positive framework presented in the original languages is far more inspiring to me than being dragged down by a negative, disempowering focus on departing from my hopeless inferior sinful state. I came to see us humans as having been endowed by our Creator with the capacity to change our way of thinking and acting. I think we actualize ourselves as co-creators when we challenge ourselves to act out of higher levels of being. Of course, I often miss the mark, but in every moment I have the opportunity to change. Being given a second, third, or whatever it takes chance is comforting. In my experience, uncovering the Divine nature within me is a form of prayer, equally as important as praying to an external God for help. Empowered to fulfill a high calling to partner with my Creator in continuing acts of creation, today I see myself and all co-creators as deserving of grace, even when we miss the mark over and over again. I don’t think it’s about deserving or not deserving. I think it is about awakening.

During my dark night of confusion, I often said, “I need God with skin on.” My pain prevented me from recognizing the many friends who walked with me through this experience as the Divine messengers they were. I am eternally grateful for those who responded to their awesome call to be co-creators by reaching out to me, helping me “change my mind” about God. Consoled by their care, I moved from experiencing God as Judge to embracing God as Cosmic Comforter, one who suffers with us through our dark night experiences.

Even after that powerful experience of grace in 1999, it took time for me to integrate grace into my psyche. As I mentioned in my first blog post, the writing of my memoir transformed the way I look at my life...awakening me to seeing my difficult life as the context for my spiritual journey, finally achieving the integration I began consciously seeking in 1984. Today, in my better moments, I am challenged and empowered to find the gift available in every painful moment, recognizing Divine grace in everything. I am in awe of the mystery and The Mystery. 

I do not at all understand the mystery of grace –

Only that it meets us where we are

But does not leave us where it found us.

Anne Lamott